“Tomorrow is tomorrow.
Future cares have future cures,
And we must mind today.”
― Sophocles
It should be said that every person stumbles upon their turning point, I may have gone right ahead and fallen flat on my face but .. same thing right?
No grand turning point here, just a walk.
If you know me, you know that i have made some of my biggest life decisions during a solo walk. This one just happened to be around 3 hours long. Yes I can definitely say I felt my muscles who I am sure have seized up, come back to life.
I have dubbed this year 2019 the year of lessons.
I learned that I can not control every situation and definitely not the outcomes. Realising that I am only responsible and have control of what I as an individual do, not over what others around me do. Their actions are theirs alone. In this I took on three big challenges to conquer in 2019, and only 1 of which I succeeded.
1. A directors role (management). In this role I developed a skill set that will benefit me in my future career opportunities. However this came at a cost. My work life balance suffered, I lost the “light” in me (that’s right, this was actually said to me from someone I hadn’t seen in the one year I had taken on this role). And not just my light and bubbliness that made me good at my job but that very same attitude that followed me through my personal life. This role developed me professionally but in this while giving it my all, it took away from my personal values and disposition.
2. University. This was and always has been something I have wanted to achieve since 2015. In a way to prove to everyone around me that I am good enough professionally and intellectually (mainly the intellectual side). An area I have found myself often self conscious and insecure. I achieved half of this. 1 semester! Well and the winter semester. So 3 subjects. Remember how in point 1 I mentioned the balance not working out ? Well half way through semester 2 I couldn’t deal with everything that I had loaded onto my plate. Something Had to give and so it was University.
3. CrossFit or a power lifting competition. Well neither of these really got off the ground and after going through point 1 and 2, this should be pretty clear why. I had no energy left ! I even tried going back to my PT but to maintain this consistency was near impossible when your day is based off of others decisions.
But fitness was not a whole waste of time because In going back to PT I learned a lot from my trainer at the time. The point in which I started to rethink “what the hell am I doing with my life” was when I was on the treadmill at the end of a session and he stopped me. Stopped me from doing my workout for a few minutes to just talk. This was one small act of pure kindness that started the ball of change rolling. Thank you Matt Loudon.
The patience and kindness of one person can make a world of difference to someone. I started to think about me, and what I needed, how I felt and that it was OKAY to struggle and most importantly to admit that I was struggling. This followed by a few meltdowns, so in a way my defences started to come down. I didn’t have to be strong and tough like a cup of concrete.
Another important point when training with Matt, it was squat day. I hadn’t been to the gym in a while and I was definitely not going to hit my PB of a 75kg squat 😂 the weight is not the point, the point is, I was in a small group training and so the bar was a smidge too low to what I would have when solo training. I remember matt asking what was wrong and I had said “ugh I’m too short !” He replies with something along the lines of don’t you talk bad about yourself and so I went “ stupid bar, you’re too high !” This got a laugh but I also learned that next step for me as a person.
I am good enough and I am not always required to bend to others whims and needs. I am me and I can turn around and say no, you need to change or you need to figure it out. This is not on me.
My confidence began form. My self worth began to shape. I began to see who ME is.
I love trashy novels, hallmark movies and country music. I love love and I love the natural world and what it teaches us. I love to turn my brain off to watch predictable and sappy movies and to read text that would otherwise melt the brain. This is how I switch off in my world. Which I was always ashamed to admit right. But not anymore, if you don’t like it then please move along.
There came another point in my professional position where I turned around and said this is not okay anymore and this does not align with my values as a person. So it was time for change.
I first booked my flights out of the country, then quit my job and now I have picked up a few extra jobs to save as much as possible to then just go and have a scenery change. The freedoms of not having an employment obligation on return is great.
If you have any questions or want to follow this journey where ever it may lead me then follow my blog and off we go!
Always Wandering 